he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
