I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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