Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
