Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My vagina is officially offended.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
