I wish I could teleport
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
