turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
