Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
