Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
