im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
