So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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