Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Farmville is her only friend.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
