She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
