I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
