i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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