I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
