so explain again why im purple
no
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
