I met the friendliest cop last night
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
