i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
