My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
