cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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