i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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