You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
