I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
