Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
