I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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