There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
