Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
