when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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