I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
