my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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