In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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