absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I have aggressive nipples.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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