I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
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Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
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Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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