New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
