she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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