i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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