it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
