checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
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could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
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I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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