Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
