dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
