don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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