Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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