So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
