quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
