I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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