have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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