She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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