I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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