just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just gargled with NyQuil
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
