The maid of honor just puked.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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