i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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