M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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