i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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