if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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