Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
