I will die if light touches me.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
