he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
