He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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