i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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